Less Bitter, More Sweet

When your smack-dab in the middle of grief it's impossible to comprehend a day when it won't overwhelm you. But eventually the days become easier. Not all of them, but most of them. Five years ago I couldn't have imagined what November 8th would look like today. I would have probably guessed it to be sadder than it was, not nearly as sunny and warm and a little lonelier.

From the moment our family tragedy took hold we were overwhelmed with people pouring themselves out for us. You'd think after 5 years it would subside. Maybe it does if you're not a part of God's family. But we are and our family hasn't forgotten us. For that reason the sad moments and the joyful ones seemed to come in equal doses yesterday.

It started with a surprise visit from Pastor Eric. He came by to deliver cards and a bag full of chocolate (the perfect cure for any ailment) from his sweet family. He spent a little time talking with Dave & I and then prayed the most beautiful prayer over us. (For the record, Beth wins the funniest card of the day award. Thanks for giving me a good laugh right when I needed one.) It was a little bitter mixed with a little sweet.

Next came a short trip to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital where I dropped of something for a little girl named Alli. Her parents are members of our church and almost 2 weeks ago she was diagnosed with leukemia. Our family decided this year's Rainbow would be in her honor. We are praying for her complete recovery and we ask you to pray with us. At one point I took a wrong turn and ended up in the pediatric oncology waiting room, a huge room full of children with cancer and their parents. It didn't take long to feel blessed beyond measure that I wasn't one of the Moms sitting there. A little bitter mixed with a little sweet.

After that, I was off to lunch with Robyn. Every year she takes me to lunch at Panera Bread around this time. As I was waiting for her I stood outside chatting on the phone with Nicole and basking in the warm sunshine. Such a beautiful day for November. Again I was reminded of His tender mercy towards me. Such sweet friends. Such a pretty day. It was a lot of sweet.

After lunch I had about an hour to kill before picking up The Ocho so I decided to go home and "soak in the grief". It may sound a little morbid but it really helps me every year to allow myself time to cry and remember who she was. I watched the home movies we made at the hospital and went through the the box that holds all of her things; her hospital gown, her stuffed elephant, her blanket, her pretty blue dress. I read through the names of those who attended her memorial. I looked at her birth certificate, her footprints, her I.D. bracelet, the ziploc bag that holds her locks of hair. And I wept right there on the floor in the closet. Because I wanted to. Because I needed to. And I knew Jesus was sitting right there with me. It was alot of bitter but still a little sweet.

After picking up Lydia from school we headed to the cemetery to say a prayer, sing Happy Birthday and watch our balloons fly up to heaven. We visited little Elisha's grave and found Maria Chapman's. So many sweet babies in heaven. So many grieving Mommy's on this earth. A little bitter mixed with a lot of sweet.

When we got home I found a gift bag filled with homemade cookies and a card from a friend who never, ever forgets us on this day. She could easily let the day pass with no acknowledgement but I know she never will. And her words, her prayers, her remembrance mean more to me than she'll ever know. She knows who she is. She's a lot of sweet.

As I recounted the day, read all the emails and cards we'd received, listened to all the phone messages and tallied up all the Facebook comments I'd accumulated (33 at last count) I realized that 5 years later people are still pouring themselves out for us. God is being glorified and our hearts are healing. If you took time to pray for us it was not wasted. God gave us a good day. Less bitter, more sweet.