The Great Sadness

I started reading "The Shack" last week. I've been saying for years I'd never read it. I've heard conflicting opinions from several friends and figured I probably wouldn't like it. Then Handiman read it and was profoundly affected. He shared the plot with me and many of the details and told me I should steer clear. Since it deals with the loss of a daughter and all the emotions that go along with it, I took his advice.

But last week something changed. I guess I was intrigued. So I picked it up.

This post isn't meant to serve as a review of the book. I'm actually not quite finished with it yet. But there's a phrase used throughout the story that speaks to me. The main character, a father dealing with the brutal murder of his young daughter, calls it The Great Sadness; that feeling of grief that appears, sometimes out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, and completely takes you over. It's like heavy boulder dumped right on top of you and all you can do it gasp for breath beneath it.

We've known our Great Sadness for four years now. It hits everyone in our family in different ways and at different times, with one exception. For the first 2 weeks in November, it seems to settle over us like dense fog.

Today marked it's arrival for 2009.

I'm not sure why but I was surprised to find it here. I've certainly been watching the calendar and could see her birthday coming up but I was feeling OK. I thought maybe this year it would be a little easier. A little more tolerable. I've been sleeping fine and so far had not shed one tear.

Then this morning as we were getting ready for school The Ocho started to cry. I thought she was upset about her hair. Or maybe an upcoming test. When I pressed her for the reason she was so upset she timidly said "I miss her." And there it was. The Great Sadness.

So we sat on her bed, held each other and cried. For 10 minutes we cried.

We were late to school, but it didn't matter. I thought if I could just get to work the busyness would distract me. Then, in the car line a little 3 year old girl named Hannah asked me to hold her hand going up the stairs. And The Great Sadness reminded me......

"Rebekah would have been in Hannah's class this year. They probably would have been friends. I'll bet Rebekah's hand would have felt a lot like Hannah's walking into school today."

After car line was over I came in and met the principal in the hallway. One of our aids was sick and her sub hadn't arrived yet. She asked if I could help out in Mrs. Curry's class for a few minutes. Then The Great Sadness began to suffocate me.....

Mrs. Curry would have been her teacher this year. Today she would have been painting turkeys and beginning to learn Christmas songs. She would have been sitting right over there on the floor playing with Tommy and Lauren.

Soon it was time for chapel. Today's speaker told a story about how she loved November because it meant her birthday was coming. She talked about the day her baby sister was born and how whenever a new baby is born, it means God is giving the world a new gift. Then all the children with November birthdays walked to the front of the church while everybody sang "Happy Birthday" to them. That's when The Great Sadness completely took me over.

As soon as I could I took a break. I found a quiet place alone and said a prayer. I tried to distract myself by checking email and Facebook. That's when I updated my status letting everyone in on how I was feeling. Soon it was lunchtime and I started to feel better. The Ocho felt better too. There is no doubt that was because of the countless prayers being lifted up on our behalf at that very moment.

We made it through the day with no more tears and The Great Sadness has lifted for a while. Thanks to all of you who prayed for us today. Please keep it up. Sunday will be a tough day for us too. Then will come the following Saturday. Although we are so thankful not to depend upon our circumstances for our joy, this grief is something we'll live with for as long as we are bound by our earthly calendar. But thank you Jesus, that won't be forever.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5