Survivor: Opryland

I've never followed the show "Survivor" very closely. I think I watched 2 or 3 episodes in the first season. I do remember a really angry lady giving a speech about a rat. Anyway, I think I understand the basic concept.

A group of people willingly volunteer to be dropped in a harsh, remote location so they can be tortured and "challenged". Then they pick each other off one by one until somebody is the ultimate survivor who goes on to fame, fortune and federal prison. Or something like that.

This past weekend I'm pretty sure I proved to myself I could be a contender.

First, I suggested to my family that it would be fun to visit Opryland on the first Saturday of December. The lights! The decorations! The music! It would certainly be a magical, fun-filled time and give us Christmas memories to hold for years to come. So, Handiman, The Ocho & I headed to that remote location filled with rugged terrain called Opryland.

First challenge: Parking.

If you know anything about visiting the Opryland Hotel you know that it's free. There's no admission price to stroll through the hotel and gaze at the spectacle because the folks at Gaylord are so generous and filled with holiday spirit. There is however, a small parking fee. And by small I mean $14.00. Yeah, there was no way Handiman was going to pay $14.00 to park. So we took Ms. Cheap's advice and decided to park at Opry Mills. But so did everybody else in the greater Metropolitan area. We knew we were in trouble when traffic stopped right at the exit from the interstate. After about 10 minutes we made it to the parking lot. Then we spent another 25 minutes driving around. And around. And around. Because as it turns out all 95 bazillion parking spaces were taken. But The Wood family was not deterred. Wait, I take that back. The Ocho was deterred. After about 15 minutes she started that whiny child groan "We're neeeevvverrrr going to paaaaaarkkkkkkk. I'm going to diiieeeeeeee in this caaaaaarrrrrrrr." She was met with no mercy and lots of laughter. Just then, mere seconds before she would have certainly met her untimely demise, we tasted victory. Not only did we spot a patron backing out of a space but it was actually close to an entrance.



Next challenge: Hiking.

Once inside the mall we realized our ultimate destination was on the opposite side. Of course. If you've ever visited Opry Mills you know that calculates to approximately 2000 miles away. Then you should figure in the 1.5 million shoppers we had to navigate through before we reached the door. We finally reached our destination, the Charlie Brown Ice exhibit, only to find there was a 25 minute wait. Outside. In the 40 degree weather. So there we were, exhausted and cold, breathing in second hand smoke from all our fellow line-dwellers who just had to get their fix before they reached the entrance. Finally we were given our shiny blue parkas and allowed through the door.



Next challenge: Frigid temperatures and dangerous terrain.

You think you know how cold it's going to be. I mean it's 2 million pounds of ice sculpture. Obviously they have to keep it pretty chilly. But seriously? When I tell you it was freezing please believe me. And I had on layers of clothing. There were men walking around without coats and gloves. One guy didn't even wear the free parka. I believe the scientific word for him is Idiot. The exhibit itself was impressive and very nostalgic. They had every scene from "A Charlie Brown Christmas" sculpted and laid out in sequence. And at the end there was the most beautiful Nativity scene I have ever laid eyes on. But honestly my appendages were throbbing so much and my face was so near frostbitten I couldn't adequately appreciate it. I just wanted OUT.



Next challenge: Finding food

We walked out of the Ice exhibit and back into the oddly refreshing 40 degree weather. Then we hiked over to the Opryland Hotel where our intention was to grab some dinner and show the Ocho the grandiose Christmas lights and decorations. We should have known better. I've been to that hotel dozens of times and each and every time I get lost in the maze of Delta's and Magnolia's. And it goes without saying that the 1.5 million shoppers we encountered at The Mills had obviously migrated over. We did manage to find a moderately priced burger restaurant and sat down for a nice "relaxing" meal. After regaining our strength we headed out to see the sights. There were the green and red dancing waters and the giant poinsettia trees. The millions of sparkling lights and the ginormous Christmas tree. The Ocho was highly impressed but mostly she liked the boat traveling down the "river" in the middle of the hotel, which you can see any old time.







Next challenge: Escaping

After what seemed like days but was actually only about an hour we located our exit and started on the long hike back to find our car. We encountered many senior citizens leaving The Grand Ole Opry, a long line of people still waiting to suffer death by frostbite with Charlie Brown and one drunk lady who stumbled out of the hotel shouting something about the Easter Bunny. As a family we have never been so happy to see our Camry. She was warm and cozy and provided a shelter from both the cruel elements and the crazy people. It was then all up to Handiman to get us out of the parking lot, which he did about 45 minutes later.

Was it a good idea to visit Opryland on the first weekend in December? Probably not. Will we ever do it again? Probably so. The experience left us feeling cold, cranky, tired and completely stressed out. Ah, yes. Now it feels like Christmas.