Trapped inside a game show

I realize you're probably reading this on Saturday morning, but I'm "live blogging" from a desk at school on Friday. Hopefully by now, my life is back to normal. I don't know if it was God's sense of humor or just a cruel joke, but either way I found an awesome surprise awaiting me when I got to work.

It seems one of our 5th grade teachers is sick and no substitute could be found. Therefore, I'm it.

Let's keep in mind that my Fridays are usually spent monitoring kindergartners on the playground and listening to first graders read "Patty the Cat". I end most weeks feeling very confident in my intellectual abilites. I have a feeling that will not be the case today.

I walked in the classroom to find very detailed lesson plans and some very excited students awaiting me. Certainly, we all remember what it was like to find out you had a substitue for the day. Pure! Joy! Today I'm finding there's not so much joy on this end.

Here's how it went:

8:00 - 8:30 We started the day with our pledges and prayer. I am well versed in both and did a fine job. Next we move on to the Bible verse of the day, James 1:13-14. I stared blankly as the kids recited it word for word to me. It was something about being tempted. I don't know. I was too busy being impressed at how well they knew it and humiliated at how I didn't to really retain it all.

8:30 - 8:45 I gave a spelling test. I read those words like a pro. No sweat. I'm feeling pretty confident in my abilites. I'm 45 minutes into the day and so far, not one young, impressionable mind has been lead astray.

8:45 - 9:20 Math Lesson. Uh oh. Math is not exactly my strong suit. I dropped off the learning scale somewhere after my multiplication tables and never looked back. Today's lesson is long and short division. And you will notice I have 35 minutes to fill. Terrific. After working through some problems on the board, I gave them an assignment to do at their desks. Then they started asking me questions about the value of "M" and if they should use their deluxe protractor. If I knew what the heck that was I could surely advise them. But sadly, I do not. So, I pretend not to hear the question until one of the students answers.

9:30 - 10:15 - They're off to P.E. I was never a big fan of exercise until now. I finally see it's value.

10:15 - 11:00 Reading. Finally something I can do! Of course, they only need to read silently at their desk. I'm happy to report I didn't mess this one up.

11:00 - 11:25 Language. They have to complete 3 pages in their workbooks which prompts several of them to come to the desk with questions about plural possesive verbs and past participals. My strategy has become simple. Look it up in the teachers manual and give them the answer. Works for me.

11:25 - 12:00 - Band! They all have to go to band!! God bless band. Amen.

12:05 - 12:35 - Lunch. It's always been my favorite subject but never more than today.

12:40 - 1:00 - History. We read about ancient Rome. I learned about the Apennine Peninsula. And the Po River. And the legend of Romulus and Remus. So, even if they didn't get anything out of today, I certainly did.

1:00 - 1:30 - Geography. Nothing will make Handiman laugh harder than hearing that I was trying to teach geography. I tend to consider most maps merely suggestions.

1:30 - 2:00 - Handwriting. Surely I won't botch this one up.

2:15 - 3:00 - Recess. Glorious recess.

And so my work here is done. I am game show ready. Am I smarter than them? Absolutley not. But I'm smarter than I was yesterday.