Learning My Lesson in Lawrenceburg

Back in our early carefree days of marriage Handiman and I would spend our weekends taking little road trip adventures. We'd set out on the open road with no real destination in mind and explore small towns around Middle Tennessee. As in most trips, most of the fun was found in getting there. Back then Handiman still drove his red convertible Mustang so we'd put the top down, crank up the oldies station and somewhere along the way we'd stop for an Icee.

When the Little Ocho arrived the road trips stopped and our adventures were relegated to the once-a-year family vacation. Until this past Saturday that is. When we woke up it was rainy outside and we didn't have a single thing on our agenda. The thought of being trapped inside all day with a child whining incessantly that she's bored was simply not an option. That's when Handiman came up with his bright idea; a trip to Lawrenceburg.

Historic Lawrenceburg, TN is about 1 1/2 hours south of our home. It's the hometown of former Tennessee Senator, presidential candidate and Law & Order star Fred Thompson. It was also the hometown of Michael Jeter a/k/a Mr. Noodle on Sesame Street. (He was also in The Green Mile if you're not an Elmo fan). Davy Crockett once lived in Lawrenceburg as well. And as if all of that isn't enough, it is the birthplace of Southern Gospel Music! Of course, we didn't know about any of that when we hit the road at 10:30 Saturday morning. Wanna know why Handiman chose Lawrenceburg as his destination? Because every weekend while watching his fishing tournaments and golf recaps on ESPN they show a commercial for an enticing establishment called The Red Top Bargain Barn located in historic Lawrenceburg. Yes. That's right. Handiman wanted to visit the Red Top Bargain Barn. And since it was Father's Day weekend we let him have his way. And away we went.

This is the highly anticipated Red Top Bargain Barn:

Upon our arrival the Ocho wisely assessed it kind of looked like a junkyard. Truth be told they had a wide variety of items located in 2 separate buildings. There was a smaller shed which featured Flat Screen TVs, sofas, recliners and area rugs, all extremely overpriced. The Bargain Barn itself (which is actually a barn with a red top cooled by fans and a makeshift air conditioner powered by a radiator fan and a deep freeze) was divided into questionable sections and offered beatable deals on various non-desirable items. The chip section, for instance, carried everything from poker chips to pita chips. And then there was the candle section, where you could by a Jesus candle and a Lucky Lottery candle, either separately or as a set.

They also had some children's towels which we forced the Ocho to model because we enjoy mocking her.

We stayed at the Red Top Bargain Barn for about 15 minutes. As we were leaving Handiman grumbled "We drove 1 1/2 hours to go to Big Lots." Yes sir, we did.

If you're paying attention to our timeline you will notice that our departure from the RTBB was around 12:30, waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy past Little Ocho's lunchtime. We promised our next stop would be for lunch so she begged for Wendy's or Taco Bell or Arby's but I was having none of it. We were in small town southern America by golly and we were going to eat at a Meat & Three. It's the only way to soak up the local flavor (no pun intended). We had spotted the perfect place on our way into town:

If you're from the south you know you can't go wrong with a place that spells country with a K. The Kuntry Kitchen met every expectation right down to their blue & white checkered vinyl tablecloths. A sweet grandma took our sweet tea orders and we helped ourselves to the buffet which offered fried chicken, mashed potatoes, okra, green beans, corn, mac & cheese, cornbread & 2 kinds of cobbler. Somebody shout Hallelujah!

Here's a look at my plate:

And the cobblers:

Our waitress generously brought us a complimentary bowl of ice cream. Can I get an Amen?

And here are me & Handiman digging into our apple & blackberry cobblers respectively.

I can't tell you how many times in the day the Ocho exclaimed that the Kuntry Kitchen is her new favorite restaurant. It makes a mama proud.

Once we had sufficiently gorged ourselves we headed off to historic downtown Lawrencburg. We browsed through an antique store and took a picture in the square. This is where we learned about Davy Crockett's connection to the town. (There's a giant statue of him in the square but oddly enough no Mr. Noodle statue) We also found Fred Thompson's museum aptly named Thompson's Station:

On our way out of town we stopped for gas and noticed some Amish people selling their goods. After trying to explain their lifestyle to Little Ocho we decided it would be an excellent educational opportunity for all of us to drive through their community. We stopped for a map and headed off on our self-guided tour. We saw them plowing their gardens, selling their vegetables, furniture and quilts and a really nice boy walking home from tending to his horse smiled sweetly and waved as we passed by. We told the Ocho all about how hard they work, how they live without electricity, have their own schools & churches & have never even heard of Hannah Montana. She was shocked to say the least.

As we were driving Handiman asked why I hadn't taken any pictures. I told him I was just enjoying the scenery and didn't really think about it. Ocho piped up from the backseat "Yeah mommy, take some pictures!" I explained I didn't want a picture from inside the car but they both rolled their eyes and said "just roll the window down!" Just then we spotted a quaint white farmhouse with clothes blowing on the line.

"There's a good shot!" Handiman said.
"But I don't want just a picture of a house. I want some Amish people in it."
"There's one working in her garden out front. Take the picture!"

So he stopped the car, I rolled down the window and stuck my camera out to get the shot. Just then the sweet, peaceful Amish woman ducked,hid her face and screamed "DON'T TAKE ANY PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Handiman sped off as I rolled up the window with shame, horror and I'll admit, much laughter. I had just been screamed at by an Amish person. I had no idea they even knew how to scream. Of course, my loving husband and daughter who just seconds before were mocking me for not wanting a picture suddenly turned into judge and jury.

"Mommy!! I can't believe you took their picture!"
"Sweetie, maybe you should read the other side of that map and see if you're allowed to do that."

Traitors.

And yes,there was a sentence on the other side of our map which read: "If you visit their community, do not take pictures. They do not believe in this and in so doing you are infringing on their religious beliefs."

So there you have it. I offended and dishonored the Amish and even my own family ridiculed me the entire drive home. I have prayed and asked for forgiveness but even now there isn't much peace. God is also obviously on their side because the picture never actually took.

On the drive home we continued to laugh and sing TV theme songs. Handiman even wrote an original song called "You Can't Take Pictures of the Amish." If you see him around, you should request it. For the record I googled "Amish pictures" when we got home and found plently, so I'm not the only offender.

I just want everyone to know that I really did learn my lesson and I have the utmost respect for the Amish people and their beliefs. Really I do. That is why I have resisted the urge to post the YouTube video of Weird Al singing "Amish Paradise" at the end of this post. Even though I really, really want to. But I won't. I think I've offended enough people for one week.